Open Letter to the Stupid Baby

Dear Stupid Baby,

We hate you. We see nothing good about you and you ruined our lives. There was a point in time where your mother was just becoming cool and getting wasted with us again and you totally ruined it. Don't get us wrong, she wasn't totally cool but she wasn't as lame as she was before. Come to think of it, our beer intake was up at the time so and maybe she just seemed cooler because of that. It might not even have been her we were hanging with, it could have been some look-alike (ewe 2 Tyrone's, gross!), a man, or possibly a giant rat we were really wasted...... Anyway, I hope your brother and sister torment the shit out of you. We have been teaching them all sorts of mean things to do, like cut your hair, draw on you with permanent marker, dress you up like a girl (daddy will just LOVE that), and try to mail you to Timbuktu. We will turn them against you , that's a promise . It won't be that hard to because let's face it, you are the stupid baby. Nobody is anxiously awaiting your birth because most people aren't ready for this hideousness , which we are sure you will inherit from your mother. On a final note nobody is excited about your impending birth so you can just stay where you are.

Without Love,
Aunt Bird-Shit and Aunt Baby Ca

P.S. We will only start to acknowledge your existence when you are old enough to be our designated driver...it's going to be a long 16 years for you stupid baby!