Stupid Baby Is Here! Stupid Baby Is Here!

Remember in the movie The Jerk when Navin R Johnson was excited about the arrival of the new phonebooks. Well the arrival of the Stupid Baby has brought out the exact opposite reaction in us. Our lives are a little darker now. We can no longer find happiness in the simplest thing. Kids falling off bikes or people getting hurt have lost its spark. So to cheer us up a little we have a simple list of demands for the Stupid Baby:

1. No crying. It hurts our ears and annoys us. If you refuse to stop even after your mother feeds you, changes you, or plays with you...We will pinch you and give you something to cry about.
2. No peeing, unless its after Tyrone takes your diaper off and you pee in her face. That is sure to piss her off... get it... piss..... aaahhhhh.....
3. No pooping. No one wants to see you start making poop faces and grunting. It's gross.
4. No looking at us longer than 3 seconds. We are self conscious and will think you are somehow judging us.
5. Never put your mother in a situation where we have to baby-sit. We will not change your diaper, we will not play with you...if you can't be entertained when we put you in front of the TV w/ an Elmo video on then we will have no choice then to give you Baby Benedryl and knock you out.
6. No throwing up. When we see throw up we tend to throw up. It's gross and unnecessary. If you want to follow your mother's steps and be tiny and skinny then continue your baby bulimia. It's not like we care.
7. No drooling. Please keep it to a minimum around us. I know we're super hot and you can't help but drool over us but seriously, it's rude and makes up feel like objects.
8. Learn to laugh on command. No one likes a boring baby that just sits there and eats its feet. We need belly laughs. They are hysterical and actually melts our ice cold hearts.
9. Talk at an early age...like when you are first born. We only understand baby gibberish when we are drunk because in our drunken state we tend to be like adult babies. Also, learn the language of your mother not your father's ramblings. We don't want to feel like we have to press 2 every time we call the house.
10. We insist you pull out your mothers uterus on the way out. We demand that there are no more stupid babies ruining her fun and keeping her from drinking.


Now that we wrote our list of demands, do any readers out there have any demands for the Stupid Baby?

*** Congratulations Momma Tyrone and her hubby on the newest addition to their family. Stupid Baby boy born on 4/22/09 at 9:19pm weighing 7lbs 5oz and 20"long. ***