Year In Review (Part 2)

Yesterday's blog was such a trip down memory lane. I forgot a lot of those things that happened...probably because I was drunk! If you get time go back and read some of them, DO IT AND LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um...wow sorry for the outburst. Now on to recap Part 2 of 2009:

July- Bird Shit and Baby Ca turn 30 and threw a kick a$$ moonbounce party, Bird Shit ran w/ a fake bull the Annual Running of the Bull in Dewey Beach, Baby Ca sending drunk emails, The Real World: The Two Twins, Baby Ca building houses, and finally The Disappearance of Bird Shit (later to return in October).

August- Baby Ca carrying the blog all by her lonesome (Bird Shit took the summer off of work and was MIA...basically just drunk and at the beach), Baby Ca has a key gnome, and Baby Ca's head injuries and stupid fights.

September- Tyrone is pregnant AGAIN with Baby Seriously WTF (remember she gave birth to Stupid Baby only a few short months ago), Bird Shit briefly returns to make be cruel to pregnant chicks and handicapped people, Baby Ca plotting against the trash men, and Birdcoon.

October- Baby Ca's camping pants, Bird Shit making out w/ A1 bottles, Phillies going to the World Series AGAIN, Crip fights, Tyrone starving her child, plotting against Shorty LK's husband, and Our Awesome Momma.

November- Baby Ca's Thanksgiving cards, Bird Shit and Tyrone emails, high school football team, Big J and his delicious drink, HAPPY HOUR with Baby Ca's company, and the phone sex hot line.

December- Open letter to PBR, mouse traps, socially awkward Jack in the Box, TERICA, awesome Christmas songs, yummy mashed potato's, and Christmas w/ John Kindle.

Well thank you all who have put up with our drunken shenanigans in 2009. We are expecting even more drunken moments in 2010...stick around!!!

Year In Review (Part 1)

Well 2009 is almost over we have decided to give a brief recap of the year in 2 parts. There were the old school memories and lots of drinking ever month, but other things happened in between. Feel free to go back and check them out!!!

January: Bird Shit brought in the New Year by punching Rushy's brothers girlfriend in the face, Tyrone being 6 months pregnant with Stupid Baby and introduced us to the wonderful term "Floppy Belly", sister nights with Baby Ca taking makeup to a whole new level.

February: 1st ever Theme Game Night: Fiesta Night kicked things off, almost burning down a bar, Bird Shit making an appearance on Sexy People, Valentine's Day bad dating stories, and Baby Ca trying to poison our Uncle B.

March: Our family holiday St. Patty's Day was celebrated, Bird Shit getting addicted to Scrabble, Baby Ca getting wasted and failing as a helper, Ama-Blah's bridal shower, a review of Bird Shit's ailments of the year so far.

April: Mom-isms were introduced, The Worst Day Ever: Stupid Baby being born, participating in a Blog Swap, displaying our Man Hands, Ama-blah's bachelorette party, hideous bridesmaid dresses, and lots of random emails.

May: Recaps of the Inconvenience of 2009 (Ama-blah's wedding) and Baby Ca narrowly surviving a refinery explosion (ok maybe not narrowly but it sounded more dramatic that way).

June: Another blog swap which started a beautiful obsessive friendship with my amazingly hot friend over at It Really Is All About Me, hanging with the Senior Citizens, Spud was introduced, Grandpa vacation stories, and the beginning of Goodwill Wednesday (which we intend to start up again after the New Year.

Christmas Wrap-Up

Well another drunken Christmas has come and went. Christmas Eve was spent at Ama-blah's place and when we get there the bitch is unprepared w/ no beer...WTF??? Well apparently I was supposed to grab beer, she probably asked me to grab it when I was drunk one night and being the agreeable drunk that I am told her I would. She should know better!!! Don't cry for us thought fellow bloggers...we ended up getting beer and drank like we didn't care about the hangover we would have the next day. The next morning I eventually drag my ass out of bed because I knew there was presents waiting under the Christmas tree for me. I got a bunch of mega awesome presents, but none as great as my Kindle or as Rushy calls it the "John Kimble". I did feel like a jerk after opening it because I made him run out and buy his own present on Christmas Eve because I couldn't figure out anything to get him...I did reimburse him though. Later in the day the family goes over our Aunt's house and have dinner and do our Pollyanna/Secret Santa. Secret Santa worked out well this year because at least no one got crap they didn't want (a used tank top, $5 bin CD's, lap top tray that is actually used as a tray table...). Baby Ca and I made it our mission to drink all the wine we got for Christmas in one night...it's what Baby Jesus would have wanted. We ended up downing 3 bottles of wine in a 2 hour span...we are hard core like that. Don't really remember much that happened after leaving my aunt's house, but I know it must have been a good time because I woke up with a migraine and hating myself the next day!

John "Kindle"

PS: We will be catching up on everyone's blog tonight. It's been a busy couple of weeks and we don't want anyone to feel neglected. We know how much our comments mean to you....lol!

Christmas Mashed Potato Recipe

If any of you are cooking tomorrow here's Bird-Shit's yummy Mashed Potato Recipe:


All I do is grab the potato's from the meat market, pay for them, place them in the seat next to me in the car, then bring them in the house, then place them on the counter, open the lid, spit in them, laugh for a few minutes, drink some beer, chase a squirrel, pee and then not wash my hands, come back to the mashed potato's, forget what I was doing and just stare at them for a good 10-20 seconds, laugh again at myself for being so stupid, then I add sour cream, curse at myself for getting the sour cream all over my sleeves, then I get some mozzarella cheese and add it to the mix, I then open the bag and pour a shit load of cheese in my mouth, curse at myself again cause now I have cheese in my eyes, I add some garlic salt and garlic power and then my stomach starts growling cause now I am thinking about garlic bread...yum, I mix the mashed potatoes and crap all together, I then curse at myself for making such good food that people demand I make them for every holiday, I put the potato's back in the pan, drink the rest of my beer, then I sprinkle some parmesan cheese on top, after that I am so over it I actually leave it on the counter and wander over to the couch and watch TV, 2 hours later I return to the kitchen drunk and finally cover the potato's and put them in the fridge. That my darling is how I make my delicious homemade mashed potato's.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

This is the e-mail I get from Bird-Shit today:

This is how bored I am at work LOL

AAAHHH! Maturity Rules!

O Holy Night

I’m about to ruin a classic holiday song. I was on my way to work today and “O Holy Night” was playing. Every time they say the part “fall on your knees” I start to laugh. I’m totally immature. I always think of someone giving a blow job or a bmlasjdflajdfladjf (that’s someone saying it while giving one). Try listening to that song again without getting that vision in your head. You’re Welcome and Happy Holidays!

We're Bound To Lose Some Readers After This

DISCLAIMER: We feel as though you should be warned before reading this particular blog. We may have crossed the line this time and there is no doubt in our minds that Baby Ca and I are going to hell. We make fun of everyone and feel no remorse over it, but even this time we feel like jerks for laughing. It's not our fault that little kids, handicapped people, the mentally challenged, Tyrone's husband and his family (Mexicans) etc...are easy targets. So before you proceed and laugh hysterically over what you are about to see, think about if you want to spend the rest of eternity burning in hell. We have already sealed our fate, but you still have a choice...

Baby Ca and I were hanging out one night and we decided to take pictures of ourselves. We were getting drunk and Baby Ca decided it would be funny to make a goofy face and not tell me so she could see the look on my face when I saw her face...Oh that Baby Ca, always the comedian. Here's the result of that picture:

Well I couldn't quite place who she reminded me of but eventually something snapped...I figured it out!!! You know how some people say there everyone has a twin in the world? Well it turns out that Baby Ca actually has another twin out there besides me...Take a look:

We call her Terica...

He Got The Shaft

Nothing special today. Just proving once again how immature I am. I was reading my company newsletter. They had a list of the local area injuries. Here’s a little gems I came across:

Victim was polishing his shaft. The shaft flew out and struck him in the chest.

That’s all. Short, simple, and awesome…..just like me!

Sad but Funny

I will start out by letting everyone know of a sad event that took place this weekend. Rushy’s Grandmom died. Please send some hugs his way. Let’s also have a little moment of silence for Rushy’s Grandmom………………………………………………….

On to a lighter note (not really lighter but it involves me making an ass out of myself) let’s talk about something that was pointed out to me that morning. My lovely bitch sister Ama-Blah pointed out that me and Bird-Shit are completely socially awkward. If we don’t have alcohol in us we don’t know how to act in social situations for example, a viewing.


It's Saturday morning and we're at the veiwing. Ama-Blah being the matriarch of us sisters ….the sistriarch if you will…..was going through the line doing her best duties “I’m so sorry for your loss”, “If you need anything”…blah blah blah. Then there’s me and Bird-Shit. Bird-Shit is introducing me and I’m sitting there like a socially awkward jack in the box doing this retarded wave thing to people. The wave involved me keeping my hands tightly at my side and bending them at the elbow and only waving my wrist. The weird thing is, I look over and Bird Shit is doing the same thing. She knows everyone there! Why is she waving?! WTF! Then here’s the real kicker. Someone thanks me for coming and the only response I can come up with is “Oh, Anytime!”. Kill. Me. Now. Um, maybe that was a bad choice of words.

What's that funny squeaking sound?

I had an Aunt Bethany moment the other night while at my mom's house. I was sitting at her kitchen table drinking my PBR Light (we would like to print a retraction to our PBR letter...lol!) and heard a funny squeaking sound. At first I thought it was one of the dogs whining to be let out, fed, or loved (none of which I was willing to do). I looked around and saw no dogs...hmmm...strange. I went back to enjoying my tasty beverage and I heard the sound again. I asked my uncle if he heard it and he said he didn't but he then proceeded to push the table back and forth really hard to see if it was squeaking. Um...I'm not sure how he thought that could have been the sound considering neither of us were violently shaking the table prior to that. Suddenly, I heard it again and he did too. I knew I wasn't crazy...ok maybe I am, but I knew I heard something. We start to investigate where the sound is coming from, so I proceed to get down on my hands and knees to find out where the sound is coming from. Well folks, it didn't take me long because as soon as I got went underneath the kitchen table, I was face to face w/ a mouse squeaking away on a glue trap. I screamed and grabbed my uncle and threw him in front of me to protect me from the evil mouse. My Uncle wasn't trying to be near the mouse either, so we called in cousin Big J to rid us of the devil mouse. Big J was our hero that night and I will never forget how brave he was that night. After the mouse was gone from my sight, I raised my PBR Light high and toasted my hero!!! As for my uncle, I laughed at him and called him a sissy.

The Christmas Party That Never Was

Ba-Ba-Ba-Baby Ca here. I am sick. I'm talking actual sick and not alcohol sick. My evil mother gave me the flu. That will teach me to make out with her while she's violently puking.....Lesson learned. Anyway, my work Christmas Party is tonight and this is the first time in 6 years I will be missing it. I am totally disappointed. You know I am sick when I can't push through and chug some beers. The thought of drinking that fine liquid is making me a little queasy right now. It's almost as bad as thinking of Tyrone's face....wait, dry heaves....blah.....So I didn't have much to say except pity me and I hope everyone has a horrible time tonight at the Christmas Party without me.

Dunkin Donuts Douchebag

Baby Ca here! This is how my morning started out:

Baby Ca: I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for my morning coffee run and I saw some maniac speeding into the parking lot. Being the immature person that I am I made sure I hopped out of my car and walked as fast as I could inside. Couldn’t have some jerk beat me in line. As I’m ordering my coffee the douchebag is behind me and gives the person his order and says “I’m really in a rush today. I’m really busy.”. Um…..if you’re so busy then why did you take the time to pull into the parking lot, get out of your car, walk inside, and stand in line. I’m sure you could’ve went one day without your precious coffee. I seriously can’t stand people like that who think they are so superior. I’m sure the people behind the counter would’ve moved just as fast for him as they did with everyone else. UGH! What a jerk!
Bird-Shit: EWE I you should have started saying the same stuff to the person behind the counter too!
Baby Ca: I just gave him a dirty look. That’s Baby Ca’s style.
Bird-Shit: maybe he just had to go to the bathroom really bad LOL
Baby Ca: No that’s after the coffee and then he becomes a floor jumper.
Bird-Shit: did he also grab a newspaper when he was there?
Baby Ca: I just thought he was into current events…..strange…….
Bird-Shit: well for the next 30-45 minutes he will be
Baby Ca: He didn’t strike me as a smoker. I was wondering why he had matches.
Bird-Shit: lol your face and my ass
Baby Ca: Always a classic…… You’re timeless.
Bird-Shit: did you just somehow call me fat?
Baby Ca: Um….nnnnnoooooooo…….wha-wha-what? Why? NNnooooooo (I’m making crazy hand gestures whilst..hehe…writing that)
Bird-Shit: sort of like the hand gestures we make when we accidentally cut someone off whilst (lol) driving
Baby Ca: I’m sorry…eeeeeee…..oooooo…….my bad

PBR

Bird-Shit and I are not fancy chicks. We go to local dive bars and drink PBR's. Yes, I know...totally ghetto...lol! We got drunk one night adn decided that PBR needed a light beer. Here is the letter we composed.

Dear PBR,

I am writing you on behalf of me and my twin sister. We are requesting that you start making PBR light so we can enjoy your delicious beer and not get fat . Notice how I tried to catch your attention by saying me and my twin sister. I thought that might appeal to you because you are obviously a man and men have twin fantasies. Also, I know you are a man because you don't offer your beer in girly light flavors. Besides you have to be a man because I think we all know that women have no place in the working world. Totally hot chicks don’t need to work. We get by on our looks and boobs . I'm sure you would love for us to keep our girlish figures and would immediately hop onto this light beer request. Don't force us to drink the other ghetto beer, Natural Ice. They are already on the ball and have a light form of their delicious beverage...Natural Light or Natty light. You can't have a bunch of fat chicks running around drinking your product can you? It's really bad for business. That's strictly hearsay because it's something I will never learn in college. Let’s face it why would I go to college when I should be home in the kitchen. Not barefoot and pregnant at home. No way, it would be wrong to be pregnant and enjoy your tasty beverage (unless you are home alone and have mints to cover the smell). Although, statistically I’m sure many women have ended up pregnant because of PBR. So in conclusion PBR people, please let me continue getting wasted and obnoxious on your fine product and please make it light.

Yours Forever (or until something cheaper comes along),
Bird-Shit and Baby Ca

Dripping Eyelashes

Word of advice, when you feel the flu coming on NEVER go out drinking the night before. My flu was scheduled to arrive on Sunday. I went out Saturday night. After getting completely shitfaced at the bar me, Bird-Shit, & Rushy came back to my house. Bird-Shit proceeded to pass out in my bed while me and Rushy stayed downstairs and opened up a huge bottle of wine. After about an hour of guzzling the entire bottle he went upstairs and passed out and I somehow ended up on my couch. Bird-Shit and Rushy left the next morning and it was about 10:00am. That was the time on the itinerary that the flu gave me. I started sweating and tried to lay down so I wouldn't get sick. That didn't help and I projectile vomited across the living room. I didn't have time to make it to the trash can....EWE right? That's not the worse part. After looking at the mess I was going to have to clean up I started to get sick again. Another word of advice, when you are going to get sick don't cover your mouth. That's what I did. The puke shot from the side of my fingers and up my face. I just sat there in shock with it dripping from my eyelashes. What a freakin' mess.......I am never drinking again!